I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
