Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
