im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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