also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
