best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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