..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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