I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
