I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
