just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
