I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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