I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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