theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
