So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
