No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
