i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
