Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
