Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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