my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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