Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
