Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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