Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
