You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
