i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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