I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
