i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
