Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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