Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
