Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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