My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
