theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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