I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
