the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If I die, sorry about rent.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
