Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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