i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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