I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Found your dick twin last night
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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