do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
