id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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