it wasn't lemon gatorade
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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