A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
