There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
