did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
