I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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