I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
