I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
