a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
