I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
