he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
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Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
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I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
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