He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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