I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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