doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
