I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
