I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
