you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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