In America we eat man semen.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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