Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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