She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
