You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
